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第二天，雌蟹发现她的新郎走起路来和普通螃蟹一样。她便疑惑重重。“你怎么了？”她问，“我们结婚之前你可是直着走路的。”
“哦，宝贝，”他回答说，“我不可能每天都喝那么多啊。”
I Can’t Let Him Get away
A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him。 She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways。 Wow； she thought； this crab is really special。 I can’t let him get away。 So they got married immediately。
The next day she noticed her new husband walking sideways like all the other crabs； and got upset。 “What happened？” she asked。“You used to walk straight before we were married。”
“Oh； honey；” he replied； “I can’t drink that much every day。”
承包商
三个建筑承包商去世以后进入了天堂—— 一个黑人，一个犹太人，还有一个意大利人。当他们到达天堂后，圣彼得热情地招待了他们，并问他们能否在进入天堂之前帮他一个忙：天堂之门需要修理，因此想让他们做一下预算。
黑人承包商仔细查看了这项工作，估计要花费600美圆。当被问及他是怎样计算出这个数字的时候，他说道：“200美圆的材料，200美圆的劳务费，200美圆的利润。”
圣彼得又问犹太承包商的估价，在经过了一番仔细的勘察后，犹太人说道：“需要3000美圆——1000美圆的材料，1000美圆的劳务费，1000美圆的利润。”
当圣彼得问意大利人的估价时，意大利人完全没有作任何调查就脱口而出：“2600美圆。”圣彼得问他是怎样得出这个数字的，意大利人回答说：“非常简单，1000美圆给你，1000美圆给我，还有600美圆找一个低价的竞标者来做这份工作。”
Contractors
Three construction contractors died and went to heaven—a Black； a Jew； and an Italian。 When they got there St。 Peter weled them warmly and asked if they could do him a favor before they entered heaven。 It seems that the Pearly gates were in need of some repair； and he wanted some estimates。
花样年华 第三章（3）
The Black contractor looked the job over carefully and estimated the job at 600。 When asked how he came up with that figure； he said； “200 materials； 200 labor； and200 profit。”
St。 Peter then asked the Jewish contractor for an estimate。 After careful inspection the Jew answered； “3000—1000 materials； 1000 labor； and1000 profit。”
When St。 Peter ask the Italian for an estimate； he answered immediately without looking over the job at all—2600。 Asked how he came up with that figure he answered； “Simple； 1000 for you。 1000 for me； and 600 to get the low bidder over there to do the work。”
省 钱
美国人亨利来到伦敦度假。
有一天，他感觉不舒服，便来到旅馆服务台向服务员咨询：“我想看病，你能帮我找一位好医生吗？”
服务员翻阅了一下本子，然后说：“肯尼思·格雷医生，61010。”
亨利说：“非常感谢，他看病收费贵吗？”
“喔，”服务员回答说，“初诊患者收费2英镑，复诊收费英镑。”
亨利琢磨着能省下50便士，于是，他去看病时对医生说：“我又来了，医生。”
医生一言不发地端详着他的面容，过了一会儿点点头说道：“哦，对。”医生给亨利做完检查后说：“病情得到了控制，继续吃上次我给你的药就可以了。”
Save Money
Henry was from the United States and he had e to London for a holiday。
One day he was not feeling well； so he went to the clerk at the desk of his hotel and said； “I want to see doctor。 Can you give me the name of a good one？”
The clerk looked in a book and then said； “Dr。 Kenneth Grey； 61010。 ”
Henry said； “Thank yon very much。 Is he expensive？’”
“Well；” the clerk answered；“he always charges his patients two pounds for their first visit to him； and one pound and 50 pennies for later visits。”
Henry decided to save 50 pennies； so when he went to see the doctor； he said； “I’ve e again； doctor。 ”
For a few seconds the doctor looked at his face carefully without saying anything。 Then he nodded and said；“Oh； yes。” He examined him and then said；“Everything’s going as it should do。 Just continue with the medicine I gave you last time。”
给我一元钱
儿子：爸爸，给我1角钱。
父亲：儿子呀，你不觉得你已经长大了，不应该再这样1角1角地要钱了，不是吗？
儿子：爸爸，我觉得您说得对极了。那么，给我1元钱，行吗？
Give Me a Dollar
Son： Dad； give me a dime。
Father： Son； don't you think you're getting too big to be forever begging for dimes？
Son： I guess you're right； Dad。 Give me a dollar； will you？
新律师闹笑话
一个人在顺利通过资格考试后， 开了一家属于自己的律师事务所。他正坐在桌子旁边无所事事时，他的秘书走进来，说有一个叫琼斯的先生找他。“快请他进来！”律师说道。就在琼斯先生被带进办公室时，他有了一个想法，于是他迅速拿起电话，对着电话大声叫道：“……你去告诉他们，没有5万美圆，我们是不会接这个案子的。假如不接受这个条件，就不要再打电话过来了！”
他“砰”的一声挂断了电话，站起来对琼斯先生说：“早上好，琼斯先生，有什么需要我效劳的？”
“我是电话公司的，”琼斯先生说道，“我是过来为您接电话线的。”
New Lawyer Jokes
After successfully passing the bar exam； a man opened his own law office。 He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr。 Jones had arrived to see him。 “Show him right in！” our lawyer replied。 As Mr。 Jones was being ushered in our lawyer had an idea。 He quickly picks up the phone and shouts into it “。。。and you tell them that we won’t accept less then fifty thousand dollars； and don’t even call me until you agree to that amount。”
Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr。 Jones：“Good Morning； Mr。 Jones； what can I do for you？”
“I’m from the phone pany；” Mr。 Jones replied； “I’m here to connect your phone。”
花样年华 第四章（1）
两个猎人
两个猎人租了一架小型飞机去加拿大的一个偏僻地区打猎。要下飞机的时候，飞行员特意嘱咐他们：“千万记住，只允许带一只驼鹿，因为飞机只能承受那么大的重量。”听飞行员说完，两个猎人就打猎去了。
一个星期过后，当飞机返回原地接他们时，飞行员却看到猎人的身边有两只驼鹿。飞行员生气地说道：“我提醒过你们，只能带一只驼鹿。你们必须放弃一只，因为飞机根本承受不了这样的重量。”“哦，帮帮忙，”两个猎人哀求道，“去年那个飞行员就带了两只驼鹿呢。你真是个胆小鬼。”
飞行员害怕被扣上胆小鬼的帽子，于是就勉强同意了。飞机刚刚越过一个湖，就开始逐渐下沉。飞行员使尽浑身解数也未能逃脱劫难，飞机最终坠落在湖边的一片树林里。过了一会儿，一个猎人站了起来，看着飞机的残骸说：“我们这是在哪里？”另—个猎人回答：“哦，我觉得比去年还远了100码呢。”
Two Hunters
Two hunters hire a small plane to take them to a remote area of Canada。 Upon dropping off the hunters； the pilot tells them；“Remember only one moose； because the plane wouldn’t be able to take off with more weight than that。” The hunters go off。
A week later when the plane returns to pick them up； the two hunters are standing by the lake with two moose。 The pilot fumes； “I told you guys only one moose。 and you’ll have to leave one because we won’t be able to take off with that much weight。”“Oh； e on；” beg the two hunters；“Last year the pilot let us take two moose on； you’re just a chicken。”
Not wanting to be accused of being a coward； the pilot allows the two to bring both moose on the craft。 The plane starts across the lake； straining to take off。 The pilot tries and tries to no avail and the plane crashes into the trees at the end of the lake。 A while later after ing to one of the hunters gets up and looks at all the scattered debris of the wreck and says；“Where are we？” To which the other hunter replies； “Oh； I’d say about a hundred yards farther than last year。”
邮政快递
我的丈夫希望获得一次面试的机会，便让我到邮局寄他的履历表。他提醒我要以最快的方式寄出去。
听到他的语气紧迫，我就抓起一把零钱，冲出了家门。到了邮局，我冲到拒台前，气喘吁吁地向职员说明我的信必须马上寄出。他随便称了一下信的重量，说要收10元零3分。我翻遍了所有口袋，连硬币都拿了出来。“可是我没有10元零3分，”我说。他又敲了几个键，然后说：“那好吧，7元4角，夫人。”
我又一次无奈地说：“对不起，我没有7元4角。”
“那么，”他叹了口气，“说说你到底有多少？”
我毕恭毕敬地回答道：“我一共有2元1角5分，先生。”
他听完，转过身去对同事喊道：“嗨，查理，把鸽子准备好。”
Post Haste
My husband asked me to go to the post office to mail his resume in anticipation of a job interview。 He instructed me to send it the fastest way possible。
Struck by the urgency in his voice； I grabbed a handful of change and dashed out the door。 Arriving at the post office； I rushed to the counter and breathlessly explained to the clerk that my envelope had to be delivered immediately。 He casually weighed the envelope and said it would cost “But I don’t have ；” I said。 He punched some more buttons and said。 “Okay； that will be 7。 40； madam。” txt小说上传分享
花样年华 第四章（2）
Once more I said in dismay； “Sorry； I don’t have ”
“Well；” he sighed； “exactly how much do you have？’’
I meekly answered；“I have exactly ； sir。”
With that； he yelled over his shoulder to a co…worker；“Hey； Charlie； get the pigeon ready。”
超前思维
一个老人和一个年轻人乘火车旅行。年轻人问：“对不起，请问现在几点了？”老人没有说话。“对不起，现在几点了？”老人还是一言不发。“先生，我在问你现在几点了。你为什么不回答我？”老人这才开口说道：“孩子，下一站就是终点站了。我没见过你，所以我们是陌生人。假如我现在告诉你，或许我就要被迫邀请你去我家做客。你长得很英俊，刚好我有一个漂亮的女儿，那样你们会相爱并且结婚。你想想，你连手表都买不起，我为什么要选你当女婿呢？”
Think Ahead
An old man and a you